Tuesday, 19 February 2013

How to Get Fired From Your Job in Four Easy Steps

So you have a job lined up and you have to give notice at work. Whatever will you do? I’ll tell you, get fired in four easy, yet spectacular steps.

Step 1- The Foundations:
For anyone aspiring to the lofty dreams getting fired you first of all need solid foundations. So get out your employee workbook, scan you contract and learn the system. What will get you fired? What’s the most effective and quickest to do it, whilst retaining your dignity? Then spend some time in deep meditation and extract your inner bad employee, for in the words of Sun Tzu, if you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. 

Step 2- Testing:
So you’re raring to go, now is the time for testing, to see what flaws could potentially disrupt your exit. Think of your plan as a large hadron collider, would they just fire particles at each other and hope the Higgs Boson appears immediately? No, they test on a smaller scale and build up to their data so that the final testing is precise. So remember, keep calm and imagine you’re an underground science facility.

Step 3- Let the Battle Commence:
Now you’re ready to get this bad boy on the road. Don’t be afraid of really dramatizing what you do and exaggerating every action. The more attention you draw to yourself the more pressure your boss will be under to fire you. Also think about your target audience, if you can get the office snitch to notice your inappropriate or downright lazy behavior then it’ll reach the top quicker. Just remember you want to leave with dignity so don’t get too carried away.

Step 4- Freedom:
So now you’re in the Boss’ office. Make sure you don’t remain passive and really get up in his grill. Occasionally question his judgment, maybe even slip in a comment about his flaws, nobody likes the truth. Remain on the offensive because this is a critical point where all your hard work could come undone. Then when he utters, “You’re Fired”, fling back your chair and walk out with some swagger, you’ve earned it.

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