Step 1- The Foundations:
For
anyone aspiring to the lofty dreams getting fired you first of all need solid
foundations. So get out your employee workbook, scan you contract and learn the
system. What will get you fired? What’s the most effective and quickest to do
it, whilst retaining your dignity? Then spend some time in deep meditation and
extract your inner bad employee, for in the words of Sun Tzu, if you know the enemy and know yourself you
need not fear the results of a hundred battles.
Step 2- Testing:
So you’re raring to go, now
is the time for testing, to see what flaws could potentially disrupt your exit.
Think of your plan as a large hadron collider, would they just fire particles
at each other and hope the Higgs Boson appears immediately? No, they test on a
smaller scale and build up to their data so that the final testing is precise.
So remember, keep calm and imagine you’re an underground science facility.
Step 3- Let the Battle Commence:
Now you’re ready to get
this bad boy on the road. Don’t be afraid of really dramatizing what you do and
exaggerating every action. The more attention you draw to yourself the more
pressure your boss will be under to fire you. Also think about your target
audience, if you can get the office snitch to notice your inappropriate or downright
lazy behavior then it’ll reach the top quicker. Just remember you want to leave
with dignity so don’t get too carried away.
Step 4- Freedom:
So now you’re in the Boss’
office. Make sure you don’t remain passive and really get up in his grill. Occasionally
question his judgment, maybe even slip in a comment about his flaws, nobody
likes the truth. Remain on the offensive because this is a critical point where
all your hard work could come undone. Then when he utters, “You’re Fired”,
fling back your chair and walk out with some swagger, you’ve earned it.
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